He Loves Me Not

Blah. Someone I know is in a relationship. And not with me. I am actually fine with it, which seems odd. I am not devastated. I don't know how I feel. Confused, relieved, disgusted. Confused, because I misheard. I am relieved because I felt judged unfairly by this person. So unfairly. And disgusted because he wanted to and definitely would have hooked up with me when I was in Vancouver. I was not interested at all. But I am so conflicted. Did I dodge a bullet? Possibly. Probably. Definitely But really? It's deeper than that.

The bullet is no longer some guy I know. The bullet is me. I am so scared of getting hurt that I just can't step out of my stupid shell and admit that there are guys out there, possibly and probably one for me in a situation that I won't be able to control, and I just give it up to the big man upstairs, err right beside me. It's not a simple thing either. It's a case of day by day, little by little. It would be so easy to say, "Err, I hate men." But that isn't the case at all. I love men. A lot.

I feel free. Hopeful. Disappointed. So many conflicting things at once. The major thing I am having a very hard time with is mis-hearing. What else have I mis-heard?

He Loves, He Loves me not

Ever feel like sometimes books pick you to read them? I just read this book (title mentioned above) and it was so good. I was stuck in Vancouver for 2 days, which is a great place to be stuck. But no one to talk to, shopping was ok, we have most of the same stores. I ate the best foods, saw great things. But it wasn't enough. Also, Vancouver is SO crowded. Most times, I love a crowd, but I was just cranky and wanted to go home. Was also missing Crave, which was frustrating. But then I found this book. I only had 5 minutes in Chapters before the skytrain left so I grabbed this book and ended up reading the whole thing. It is about a woman's journey of faith. The thing she wanted most in the entire world was a husband. She also was a seeker. She sought spiritual connection and exhausted every avenue until she came to Jesus. It was very good because it reminded me of my path (although I am not married....yet!) lol. If you get a chance, this book is a must read! It's not Captivating but it's up there.

i phone u phone we phone they phone

The delivery guy for our store is so nice. I have a lot of admiration for him. And a deal with him. I have always been very nice to him because I know that what he brings are little packages of gold. Not real gold of course, but the sort of equipment that translates into a pay check for me. I have become conditioned to associate delivery men with potential paychecks. He told me my eyes light up when I see him. He said that he initially thought I had a crush on him, but then realized I focus on the package he has in his hands, take it from him, and hold it if I can, while signing the delivery receipt. Then I completely ignore him. Once I have signed the delivery receipt, I am off to the races! It's like Christmas every Monday/Tuesday. I love receiving product.

Today was insane though. The head slug, who is usually very fair, decided to call all his friends when a shipment of fresh green leaves arrived. Some of the green leaves were from 16 branches, others had 32 and were available; both only from Oak trees. The other option is Maple trees, but we did not receive any Maples today.

When I was visiting our other slug colony, the delivery guy came by and gave me the sign that he delivered the leaves. When I arrived at the store, it was so comical. The slugs couldn't figure out how I knew the leaves had arrived. Suckas!!! The other slugs had shown up and tried to hide and stuff the leaves in holes so that others would not be able to find them. But I sniffed out a couple of leaves and sold them while the slugs were visiting the feeding troughs and outhouse. When they came back, they were baffled that the leaves had been sold. It was such a manic experience.

I have to keep giving the delivery guy cookies. He rocks!

True friends get in the dumpster with you

K so my friend Renza called me the other night and I was kinda feeling lonely and overwhelmed. I was making chicken broth, which was simmering and had a couple of loads of laundry in the machines in the laundry room. I invited her to come over and agreed to meet her at the back door. I intended to visit the laundry room to turn the clothes over and then toss my garbage while I was waiting. The bags were so heavy, they almost broke my fingers. I slugged my way across the parking lot with my 5 heavy bags and took one heaving grip and tossed it all in.

WITH MY KEYS!!!

I remained calm and stood there for a minute thinking of possible options. It was dark and I was cold because I was just wearing a tank and shorts and suddenly had to go to the bathroom so bad. I started making my way down the alley to where Renza would park - I didn't want to go dumspter diving alone. I waited and then wandered around to the front of the building. After a while Renza showed up. She was smart enough to ask the neighbors for hangers and a flashlight. Then she undid a wire hanger and stabbed a garbage bag in the corner of the dumpster to move the garbage out of the way. The plan was to work the grid starting in one corner and working out. Wouldn't you believe it?! The keys were under the first bag we picked up!

I was so grateful. However, for those of you that know Renza, you know that she does her own thing, dances to the beat of her own drum. This is why we love her. We stopped in the laundry room to turn the clothes over. Since they were all full, I had to empty one. Renza Renza proceeded to fold someone's underwear.

They were very large underwear appearing to belong to a male.

I asked and then begged her not to fold it. Threatened to mess it up when she was done. To no avail. She does her own thing. I left her in the laundry room folding someone's underwear. Later, when I returned to gather my laundry, who should come into the laundry room but the owner of the large underwear!!! He thanked me and asked me for coffee sometime. Upon returning to my suite I found that Renza had artfully arranged 24 rolls of toilet paper in a pyramid fashion in my toilet paper bowl thingy. I later sneezed and they rolled everywhere. I left it like that for a few days to remind me of the funniest night in a long time. It was hard getting them all piled up again. I had to store some in the cupboard. It would make for a fun time at Crave. Piling the toilet paper I mean, not the part about folding a stranger's underwear or going fishing in a dumpster for my keys. I got another set cut by the way! (Keys, not underwear).

Extended grease to others. And grace too.

I got a flat screen TV, a new couch, side tables and a huge shelving unit for $100. It was an amazing deal. My living room is full of furniture now. Can't even walk into the living room. There is so much to do and here I am on my laptop in bed. I am giving my previous furniture away. The TV has been spoken for but the shelving unit hasn't. There is also a kitchen table, and a majestic couch set.

By the way, cell phone guy's sister requested to add me to facebook. I really like her a lot. More than I like her brother, but it seems weird to be all like, "hey wanna hang out?" The parents have come into my store and let me know how great their son is. The daughter is super cool though. She is married or has a bf or something and has pics on facebook of costumes and places she has gone. Also when I sold her her piece of equipment, we had a great time. We are around the same age and get along great. I don't want to date the guy just to gain a really great friend. However, I don't want to befriend the friend and leave the guy out in the cold. He has come in a couple more times and it is clear that "just friendship" is not in the cards. And my non-attraction to him won't let me even flirt with him or lead him on or anything. I made it clear I was not interested. It was horrible. But free-ing. I don't think he is going to give up easily cause he came back like, 3 more times. Asked if there was any chance. I was firm (almost rude) and very direct. Then the parents showed up. Aaaaaaaaargh. I am not sure which is more difficult, being the person to say no and having to keep say no, or being told no and being so determined. It's awkward. Also, I don't think he is a Jesus lover. Which is fine with me for friendships, but not so much for relationships where I could potentially end up arguing about beliefs. Been there, done that, no more of that.

Speaking of Jesus, there was this facebook status of a friend of mine. It read...How is it that one of the most thoughtful conversations I have had about grace was with someone outside the church?

Totally. I agree, although I think his status is more of question form.

When I was little and my mother tried to explain grace to me, I thought she was talking about grease. My dad would cook bacon and then pour the leftover bacon fat into a can and it would congeal and go white. So one day I came home from school and told my mother about something my brother did while at school that he got in trouble for. My mother picked up the can of bacon grease and was holding it in her hand while telling me that sometimes we need to give grace to others and love them the way they. Of course in my 7 year old mind (no, I never really grew up) I thought she was talking about the grease. When my brother came home after school, I got the can of grease, walked over to him, told him I loved him, went to hand him the can of grease, and accidentally spilled it on him. He called me stupid, so I called him mean and ugly. My mother pointed out that we look alike and asked me what I was doing? I said I was trying to extend grace and love. I don't remember what happened after that but I wasn't in much trouble.

Grateful and tired

I met my goal for this month. I am exhausted. End of month is always crazy.

I can't believe it though. And I had some slugs help me for the last 2 hours of the day.

It was amazing. But I feel like I have run a marathon. I have to get more organized.