Blah. Someone I know is in a relationship. And not with me. I am actually fine with it, which seems odd. I am not devastated. I don't know how I feel. Confused, relieved, disgusted. Confused, because I misheard. I am relieved because I felt judged unfairly by this person. So unfairly. And disgusted because he wanted to and definitely would have hooked up with me when I was in Vancouver. I was not interested at all. But I am so conflicted. Did I dodge a bullet? Possibly. Probably. Definitely But really? It's deeper than that.
The bullet is no longer some guy I know. The bullet is me. I am so scared of getting hurt that I just can't step out of my stupid shell and admit that there are guys out there, possibly and probably one for me in a situation that I won't be able to control, and I just give it up to the big man upstairs, err right beside me. It's not a simple thing either. It's a case of day by day, little by little. It would be so easy to say, "Err, I hate men." But that isn't the case at all. I love men. A lot.
I feel free. Hopeful. Disappointed. So many conflicting things at once. The major thing I am having a very hard time with is mis-hearing. What else have I mis-heard?
WHAT?! Lame. Good thing you did dodge that bullet. We'll chat I'm sure :)
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